Getting out the Woggle

There are times when one should be prepared. This motto was taught to the Beard-Grows-Free when he was a young stripling and was forced to sit through camp fire stories by the Akela while trying not to lose one’s woggle. Though even at a young age I was always a bit miffed at why one would require fire making skills when you could always nip down to the local estate on a given day and find police cars toasting away. It would come as no surprise that this particular fuzzy creature was quite happy in an urban environment.

As I have probably discussed before, this comes as no surprise to me considering the closest my ancestral history has come to a camp-life is Uncle Ali’s insistence on a Tom Selleck ‘Tache & Mullet at all times. Also one must consider that upon being confronted by mountainous terrain of speed bumps in the high street I come from stock that would be courageously heading for the Range Rover Dealership.

This brings me a bit of a conundrum that bothered me when I saw this particular headline.


Note my shock, horror, and carry-on based exclamations when the Daily Torygraph let it be known that children as young as seven are being trained into committing chicanery by the nefarious long-bearded types. The idea that “Around 10 primary school pupils” had been taken into the Surrey Constabulary’s Channel Programme – which disappointingly enough has nothing to do with French collaborators or perfume.

Apparently, the Plods of Suburbia had found some little rascal scribbling on his exercise book “I want to be a suicide-bomber”. I won’t pause for a moment at the quaint notion of a 21st century urchin managing to put together sentences that contain vowels, or wonder why he didn’t text/SMS the message to his teacher or even shake my head at the child’s inability to pick an appropriate violence-based role model.

These things miss the wider point. Surrey Constabulary have decided to re-educated the poor misguided younglings by offering them “football coaching and outdoor adventure courses.” Yes, fellow beard-lovers they want to send these little people off to grab their woggle and salute to Arkela and we know how successfully THAT worked with yours truly.

Gird your loins for 2010

Welcome to 2010 my fellow bearded ones. It may not have escaped your notice that we have been blessed recently by the arrival of three snowflakes and a bit of cold air that has managed to cripple large parts of middleclass Britain.

Although one must admit that up here in the North of England it has been cold enough to for some northern-lasses to consider wearing more opaque tops for New Year’s eve.

One has also been shaken in Beard-central by the arrival of Al Qaeda’s new line in men’s lingerie. Yes, my erstwhile friends, we have seen the launch of the AQ’s Detonator Pants, as demonstrated by Mr O.F Abumattalab of Lagos, Nigeria. I believe he was taking a sabbatical from sending e-mails asking for help with recovering his “Friend’s” millions. Though, being the amateurs that they are, the branding on the pants was woeful and will surely leave them open to counterfeits flooding in from China. There are times when a gusset full of PETN just isn’t going to be enough to visually build the brand.

As with AQ's attempt to break into the footwear market, the effect was less Detonator and more roasted chestnut. Look on the bright side ... at least they have a theme tune

This also presents the FB with a problem. As you all know, your friend the bearded one, is prone to international travel. As a result I have a feeling that I shall be having more close encounters with the gentlemen in uniform than is strictly agreeable unless you’re a fan of The Village People.

The response from our esteemed elders in government is to use bodyscanners. For those of you unaware of the devices just think back to when you were a teen and you thought Superman’s ability to use X-ray vision was wasted on saving the planet. The Backscatter Scanner lets the highly underpaid comic-book fan - who is your security official for the day - use x-ray vision on your lumpy bits. It's a great opportunity to rehabilitate citizens who's only other contribution to society is the VAT paid on their late night cable TV purchases.

In the FB’s case this might be more of a problem for the poor sod staring at the screen, but may cause a few issues with people of a more private disposition. At this point the FB wonders if it would be appropriate to reclassify the phrase “Going Commando”.