Behold - Tis The Mummy!

Arranged Marriage: Part 2 – The Mummy Inquisition

After you’ve been to the Subjects’ house there is always the joy of the inquisition. If you’re lucky you can avoid it till you get home. If you’re sly you can manage to have several friends round as you arrive and suddenly head out of the door to do something before mum gets a chance to get the torture equipment out – namely tea and snacks with the potency of ultra-dependency heroin.

However, if you’re stuck on a journey more than 5 minutes long , then the questions will flow your way as soon as you settle at 70mph in the left hand lane ( honest guv).

“So what did you think?”

“Of what?”

“You know. What did you think?” At this point one start imagining a little red button marked overboost, a talking car and some very speeded up film to get you home as soon as possible. For some people you could add chest hair that could double as a wildlife reserve and a number one hit in the German pop charts in the 1980s but we digress.

“The Tea was fantastic.” This is followed by a clip round the ear. No matter where she sits in the car, she will clip your ear. Get used to it; try not to hit the HGV while you do it.

“I mean the girl, you dolt.”

“What girl?”

“THE Girl”

“There was no girl”

“Who delivered your tea?”

“The Tea Fairy.” Clip

“That was the girl you idiot”

“Ahh right. Good tea delivery.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Tea got delivered just fine. Tasted good too.”

“What do I bring you with me for?” She gasps. You look at the road ahead and try not to say , to learn about property prices in 1976.

“Did you look at her?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“You told me not to look at girls.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look” The slightly uneasy feeling rises in your stomach from the idea that your mum is telling you to flirt.

“It’s against our culture to look at the unmarried girls in someone’s house and religion too. So I concentrated on chatting to her father and brothers.” The strain on the good boy act can be heard creaking like bad rigging from sinking ship.

“You’re such an idiot” Mental clip round the ear, “You could have said thank you or something. There’s no harm in that”. Your MUM is TELLING YOU HOW TO FLIRT. Avoid truck, slow car down; don’t toy with the idea of annoying the BMW stuck to the back bumper by dabbing the brakes.

“But you told me to behave properly.”

“I did, and you behaved properly.” The pause after the sentence could be translated as my son is such innocent(if only....) dolt. The motherly pride and the need to mentally clip round the ear is causing tension enough to worry earthquake watchers.

“So I should have looked at her.”

“NO! That would be rude.” Credulity elastic alert.

“SO I was right.”

“Maybe”

Three junctions and two speed traps later.

“So what did you think?”

and on it went, and then more tea at home..