Want good loving ? Ask the father

Or musings on Arranged Marriages Part 1 : The Meet

The Preparation

As the Freebeard as been single for a while now, by now we mean since the dawn of the Jurassic period, the FB’s mum has taken it upon herself to introduce me to the joys of the arranged marriage scene.

So on about one hour’s notice the Mum marches into where ever I happened to be stationed – usually my bedroom – with an address and the command “get ready to go, now.” It’s the sort of command that involves brushing up nicely and generally having the goatie in precise geometric trim.

If mum would have her way of course the goatie would be history and she would have her cute little boy back – failing to realize in her utterly motherly way that the last time the FB looked like that was when he was eight and the cake was on the table. The cake is still on the table – though most of it is recycled onto my belly, but we digress.

The Ritual

What usually happens is you turn up to meet the family and then:

You sit and chat with the father / brother / uncle about subjects that would make the entire contents of a Styrofoam warehouse look like cutting edge comedy. You drink tea. You eat snacks – while trying to look dignified. This utterly fails when faced with the stickiest and largest Jellabi on the planet which is designed to deposit about 50ml of syrup on your trousers just below the groin.

There will be no picture of the prospective woman that you have to spend the rest of your life with hereafter referred to as the Subject. The will be no hint of who she is or what she is doing. That discussion is going on in the women’s section. So your mum is doing the intelligence gathering.

You probably will not see the subject. If they are Punjabi the subject will be out of town.

If you are lucky enough to have a glimpse. DO NOT LOOK. (unless you want to scupper it – see below).

It is preferable that before you embark on this that you undertake courses in body language – especially ones that decipher the subtleties of tea tray placement. This is the only way you will be able to determine whether or not the individual in question is interested or not.

Basically in the four hours that you a bored rigged you have to work out whether you want to have rampant baby making sex with the Subject – by talking to her dad.

In the conversation you have to fit in as much nonsense about how wonderful you are as it is possible.

The Get Away
TAKE NOTE. This is the point where you can subtlety scupper any chances. For example:

a)If the father of the Subject is busy going on about property – you could introduce a bit of pseudo-marxism and anarchism by questioning the notion of property in the first place. He’ll probably ignore you, but when “the debrief” happens after the meeting – he’ll think you’re a dangerous modern creature that will not take advantage of his daughter. Result.

b)If the brother of the subject starts enquiring into your single life when you were at university you could slip in some detail about the nightlife –subtle of course – you don’t want to come across as a turbo-nutter-hardcore-ibiza-loving-club bunny (only as a last resort). WARNING : this could backfire as the brother might think you going to be cool to have around and convince the dubious father.

c)Upon seeing that the family might actually be decent people and there is a danger that you might like them, then the only other option is to resort to Islamist rhetoric. THIS IS THE LAST RESORT AND COULD BACK FIRE. They could really like you and start ringing up the local mullah

d) Stare like a lascivious squady at the subject – guaranteed to send you packing.